Life Lessons

By Phyllis

Some very important people have shaped my ideas of the world over the years. Let me share a few of the life lessons I have learned from these great men:

On the importance of the political process: "You can't change the world, but you can change the facts. And when you change the facts, you change points of view. If you change points of view, you may change a vote, and when you change a vote, you may change the world."

One the futility of figuring out one of life's great mysteries: "I've read more than a hundred books, seen love mentioned many thousand times. But despite all the places I've looked, it's still no clearer; it's just not enough. I'm still no nearer the meaning of love. Noted down all my observations. Spent an evening watching television. Still I couldn't say with precision."

On whether it is okay to tell lies: "You'll see your problems multiplied when you continually decide to faithfully pursue the policy of truth."

On keeping centered: "Be responsible, respectable, stable, but gullible. Concerned and caring, help the helpless, but always remain ultimately selfish. Get the balance right."

On what to tell my wife when she gets frustrated that I won't see things her way: "Take a look at unselected cases. You will find love has been wrecked by both sides compromising, amounting to a disastrous effect."

And perhaps my favorite, which is pretty much my credo: "Quickly, I remember. Fused and saw a face before. Timing, reason, understanding. Like association whore."

My only question is why these great men are ripping off these guys.

Come again?

By Phyllis

Yes, I am up at 11:30 watching the Hawaii-Idaho game. What else am I going to do?

Hawaii is up 42-10 and Idaho is looking a lot like...well, Idaho. Anyway, Idaho just ran a play and was half a yard short of the first down. So on 3rd and 1 they came out, lined up, and a couple of the offensive linemen jumped. Flags flew and whistles blew and players from both sides started pointing fingers--you've seen it before. Then the referee came out, clicked on his mic, and, arms akimbo, said:

"Disconcerting signals...on the defense. Five yard penalty. First down."

I.T. Snob

by Phyllis

It can scarcely be debated that IT professionals can sometimes come across as snobs. Today I am talking about the ones that come to your desk and fix your "computer" "problems" for you. Picture Jimmy Fallon as Nick Burns.

Even though I manage servers and networks, part of my job does include traveling to the workspace of the end user to see what is wrong. So count me as one of those snobs, with a few differences. You can't really get away with being really snotty and condescending (and least in person) or the big boss man (seriously, he's like 6'6' and 270 I would guess) will hear about it.

But beware, my beloved end users, I will be judging you, and mocking you, and thinking you are stupid, and talking about you with my co-workers later. We will laugh. Hard.

And here are a few of the questions and criteria I will use to judge you:

• Do you have the google toolbar installed? I will admit that this was a valuable tool--nay, essential--several years ago (which in PC years would put it in, what, the Jurassic age?) but now it is a nuisance and a pain. All it really means is that you don't pay attention when you are installing something, taking the defaults always, not caring what comes along with whatever you wanted in the first place. Additionally, the fact that you have the google toolbar increases the likelihood that you have even more of these ridiculous wastes of space: Yahoo toolbar, mysearch, ebay, weather channel, etc. Don't worry about it though; you probably won't ever get infected by spyware.
• Do you double-click on hyperlinks? The fact that there are people still doing this amazes me. But then again, it is always good for a (delayed) laugh, so I guess it's fine.
• Are you using the double-wide, stupid-looking, and utterly useless WindowsXP start menu? You know, not the classic one that we set for you on all our PCs. You deliberately changed it from the classic look to the new look? I am amazed for two reasons: you thought it was better and you figured out how to do it when you need my assistance to install a printer.
• Almost hand in hand with the last question is this one: did you move the taskbar to either of the sides or (worse yet) the top of your window? (And please don't let me set that you set it to auto hide.) This is one of the all-time stupid things to do. It shows me that you think you are smart and skilled enough to know what you want and that you have found a better way to operate, only you are decidedly mistaken. Put it back where it belongs, genius.
• Did you just say "Foxfire" to me without winking or chuckling, or elbowing your buddy? No? Learn to read. I mean, you do realize what you do for a living, right? And that goes for all you "Systematic" antivirus users out there.

• Pop quiz: What do you call the picture you chose for your desktop background?

a. my screensaver
b. the screensaver
c. a screensaver
d. the desktop background

If you chose a, b, or c, congratulations! You are wrong! If you chose d, then I doubt you really are one of my end users. I would have also accepted 'desktop wallpaper' if you had been so bold to attempt a write-in vote. (And speaking of voting, I don't need to ask who you are voting for today. I already know. You talk to me about it like I share your opinions. I don't. Seriously, not in the least. Only I am courteous enough (in this case, anyway) not to tell you what I think about your views, even though you have just finished telling me what you think about mine. Thanks. You are a model of tolerance and understanding, just like you preach.)

There you go. A few things to think about. Forget it--who am I kidding? You will not learn, or even try to learn, as long as someone like me will be coming around to help you do the most simple task with your modem-or-monitor-or-processor-or-hard-drive-or-screen or whatever other name you have chosen today to call your PC.