DO NOT READ THIS POST!

You know what I have been told? 'You know, you should be sensitive, be careful what you say about Mormonism. You have family, dear family members, who believe, and you need to keep that in mind. Be kind, be sensitive, don't say the stuff you are saying.'

This astounds me. It really does. It is the most ridiculous one way street ever constructed.

Should I expect require those members of my family, any close friends I have who are LDS, to be sensitive to me? 'Hey guys, don't say anything about the church to or around me. Don't post about it or mention it on facebook. I find it all extremely loathsome and disgusting, so please don't even mention it.'

No. If a family member says something to me, posts something on facebook, writes a blog, it is upon me to turn away, or decide not to consume it, isn't it? Or should I ask them to be sensitive to me? 'Please don't post that thing that is important to you, or makes you feel better. It bothers me and I am sensitive.'

Again, utterly ridiculous.

I have even been told my previous post was inappropriate and offensive and "not right." I was chastised and lectured for (among MANY other things) writing such a thing and then putting the burden on any potential readers to decide whether they should read it. It was suggested I should not have written it at all. Or I should have been more forceful in my warning to those who might not like it. Like, I should have said, 'ATTENTION [specific person 1] and [2] and [3] and [4] and [whoever else]. DO NOT READ THIS. STOP. DON'T DECIDE FOR YOURSELF. STOP. I COMMAND IT.

That is crazy. Without going back to re-read it, I am pretty sure I said, "When I was Mormon I wouldn't have read this." I wonder if that came across a joke. I can't believe it did. But maybe I am wrong. Sometimes I admit when I am wrong.

But it doesn't matter. I don't live a world like that anyway. No one does, if you think about it. My opinion is that Mormons have to turn so many blind eyes to so many things at the direction of their leaders, they don't like it when it is not handed to them what they must do. So when I write what I write, they are torn, possibly. They value me and what I write, but then again, what I write is bad. 'I want to read it, but I have not been instructed by my leaders whether I should. Well, I have been told not to read anti-Mormon literature, and I don't, but this is SUCH a grey area.' And so they throw the burden to me: Don't write it in the first place and we won't have to decide.

But here you are, reading this reluctantly if you are Mormon, and maybe if you are not. But if you have come this far, read this much, and are bothered, and don't know what to do about it, let me help you. I'll tell you what I would have done when I was Mormon: what I did when my oldest sibling left the church. Maybe you wouldn't do the same thing, but maybe you would.

I would read this post, maybe not thoroughly, or without giving it the serious attention it doesn't deserve. But then, I would:

Demonize me. This helps you to make sense of what I am doing.
Tell yourself, "They can leave the church, but they can't leave the church alone." As if that means anything at all.
Convince yourself I just want to commit sins and do evil. That's the only rational reason one would leave the church and say what I am saying.
Tell yourself that, notwithstanding my claims that I am very happy, I cannot truly be. YOU are happy. YOU are happy. Tell yourself over and over, that you are happy, and I am not. Or that yours is TRUE happiness. Mine is temporary, or false.
Swear to yourself you will never talk to me about any of this. Convince yourself that what I believe and feel CANNOT have any merit and DO NOT DISCUSS ANY OF IT WITH ME AT ALL. NOT ONE BIT.

Doing all these things will help you process it, dismiss it, and see what I am writing and doing for what they are: the bitter ramblings of a poor, pitiable, and obviously unhappy soul who once had the superior understanding you still have.

OR

Don't do what I did to my brother. Try to accept the reason I would write what I write and say what I say: Because it is as important to me (and more so) now than the church ever was. You know that whole thing about how much joy and peace the church will bring to your life and how feeling that will make you want to share the gospel with everyone? Never felt it. Never WANTED to share the gospel with anyone. Never wanted to give anyone a Book of Mormon, bear my testimony to anyone, go out with the missionaries, visit inactive less active members. If I wanted to, it was from guilt, you know, that weird force that makes you adopt a belief and cling to it and want it to be true so badly that you can eventually tell yourself you believe it. Don't mistake me. I am not saying I was never happy while a member the church, didn't have spiritual experiences, didn't feel love and peace and joy. I just never wanted to go tell all my friends about it. That part was truly a duty. A responsibility. A chore.

But I WANT people to know how I feel now. How I feel peace, don't feel the constant, incessant, depressing, and debilitating guilt and lack of self-esteem I walked around with for forty plus years. How I don't worry as much or make myself physically sick concerned with the future and things I cannot control. And how the people I have met recently who have left the church are good people, doing good in the world, who think for themselves. I don't like them all, I don't like all the things they do, but I like what they stand for. And no one is telling them to be good humans and they don't do it out of fear of eternal consequences. They struggle and they have problems and faults and failures, but they are not a bunch of people who were offended, who wanted to sin, who didn't try hard enough, or who just wanted to persecute those who now believe as they once did. It feels strange to say it in these words, but I KNOW that to be true.