Big Ten + Two BCS Bowls = Two Bad Bowls

by Phyllis

It isn't that I'm bitter. Honestly. I am bitter a lot, I admit, but not now. Not about this.

I know it makes more sense for a BCS bowl to take Ohio State. More viewers, more traveling fans, more money. And I don't think Boise State wants any part of Texas or Alabama. (They will have all they want with TCU.) So once Utah went undefeated, I knew what would happen. Ohio State to the Fiesta Bowl. Fine. My only problem now is with the matchup. I mean, is there a rational person outside of the state of Ohio that thinks OSU can win this game? They won't. I know it.

I am very sure about this. Just so you know how confident I am, I will list a few things of which I have equal certainty:

1. The sky is blue.
2. Grass is green.
3. Eggplant is inedible in any form.
4. Demi Moore is a horrible actress.
5. A.J. Burnett will flame out in New York. Yes, I will consider his being injured for the duration of his contract flaming out. I don't just mean he will suck. Which he will. Give a lifetime 87-76 pitcher $82 million dollars over five years? Brilliant. Can you say Carl Pavano? (And seriously, is there an easier team to hate than the Yankees? Nearly $250 million in offers to the first two players they tried to sign. I have ZERO respect for any player who signs with them. Would I personally take one million dollars to go pitch for them right now? Yes (and, no, I would not respect myself). But if I were a ten-year major leaguer and could get $12o million from the Yankees and only $60 million from the Royals? I sign with the Royals.)
6. Britney Spears has no soul. She sold it to Satan. We all know what she got in exchange.

So, yeah, Texas will beat Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl. And if you question me, you're glib. You don't know anything about college football. I've studied it. I know.

UT 34, OSU 17.

Stay tuned for predictions for the winner of every bowl this season (even the Motor City Bowl). Who won't be tuning in to that one? One hundred Schrute bucks if you can name a team playing in it without looking it up.