Some Open Memos Necessitated by Today’s Visit to the Gym

by Koozown

Memorandum #1:
Dear sir watching TV and pedaling away on the recumbent bike,
I couldn’t help but notice that the headphones you were wearing were held together only by a thick strapping of scotch tape. Might I recommend something a bit tougher? Like Duct Tape?
On second thought, a new pair might be in order. Nobody really wears the over-the-head type of headphones any more (unless they on plane or they a pro afflete gettin’ off the bus for a road game). The kids are all wearing the buds that fit nicely in the ear and don’t fall out when you get your stack or cardio on. I’ve done a little research on earbuds in the past so I can speak with some authority on this point. You can get a brand new pair of earbuds at Walmart (yep, you look like you shop there) for a mere $4.88. And I’m sure they sound fine; no doubt better than the taped-up jobbies you’re rockin’. And if you feel like splurging, Walmart.com offers some sick noise-isolating earbuds for $486.82. Probably somewhere in between those two numbers will have you loving your Days of Our Lives episodes without the waste of all that clear scotch tape.
p.s. you can get six replacement rolls of transparent scotch tape at the dollar store for $1.

Memorandum #2
Dear sir,
I watched you strolling on the treadmill for a few minutes. It appeared to me that you were in some kind of pain or physical difficulty. Now I’m sure that growing up in Wilder you wore those cowboy boots everywhere you went: school, church, shopping, turdknocking, and so forth. But it is my firm opinion that you might hurt a lot less if you changed into some sneakers before getting up on the treadmill. And maybe some gym shorts instead of Wranglers? Just a thought. And before you come back to me and tell me you can’t afford sneakers or some such unlikely story, please understand I saw you exiting the facility today as well. You looked quite dapper in that gray derby, tweed sport jacket with chocolate brown elbow patches, different Wranglers, different cowboy boots, and your hickory walking stick.
Time to embrace the fact that you are a gym rat and spring for some Under Armour and Skechers Shape-Ups.

Memorandum #3
Dear sir,
What you are wearing is not a suitable workout costume. It is insulated long underwear, matching long-sleeve shirt and pants. I can tell by the huge overlapped fly in front. It just ain’t right. I’ve seen you in that same get-up four or five times now. Enough is enough. Please don’t let it happen again.
And here’s a newsflash: that young lady you are coaching through her stacks? She doesn’t love you. She might not even like you. How do I know? Because she obviously hasn’t told you how ridiculous you look.

Guest Post

by Koozown

Reason #87 to never forget your earbuds when going to the gym

Today was Mommy’s Day Out at our local gym. For a mere $10, Mommy drops Princess Angel off and leaves for three hours of freedom. It’s a pretty good deal (on top of the $90 we already pay every month) and Princess Angel loves it. Today she got to go for a nature walk to gather seeds, she made a Leprechaun hat with an orange beard, she powered through her Banana Monkey Milk, and generally had a ball. And today, since Mommy’s freedom was centered around getting a new hairdo, Princess Angel pickup duty fell to Daddy the Dragon Slayer.

Due primarily to poor planning I arrived at the gym nearly a half an hour early; just enough time to swell my core before my daughter finished her craft project. However, since I hadn’t planned on stacking my abdominals, I didn’t have my iPod or my earbuds. And that is where this lesson begins.

Actually it begins on the stretching/core workout mats in the Northeast corner. So far I’m doing just fine blocking out the terrible music blaring over the PA. You know the kind of music that everybody knows the lyrics and tune to, but everyone secretly hates but still gets played all the time? Instinctively I reached down to turn up the iPod volume. Alas, no iPod. And so it was that at that moment I realized I was overhearing a conversation I would much rather not have to hear. And thinking back on it, I can’t even believe it could actually take place.

Stretching on the mats are two large male stackers who are both yoked to the besheesh. I see them getting swollen frequently; throwing up huge numbers on bench presses of all angles. Mad props to them and their puffy chests. But that is where it all goes haywire.

Here is what ensued:

Stacker 1: I was watching that Kansas team play the other night. They were playing Mississippi in the SEC tournament. Man they got a couple bruthas that just take it and dunk it in your face. Really aggressive. I picked them in my bracket.
Stacker 2: Is this week the Final Four?
S1: No, but the tournament starts this week.
S2: So there’s 2 rounds before the Final Four?
S1: No, there’s 3.
S2: Oh, that’s right. There’s the Elite Eight and all that.
S1: Well it starts with 64 teams and goes down from there.
S2: That’s right. And then the Sweet Sixteen.
S1: Well, first it goes to 32, then 16.
S2: But there’s 64 to start. Then 32.
S1: Then 16, 8, 4, then 2.
S2: Then a winner.
S1: Right.

I must’ve looked a bit odd down on my knees in the middle of the weight room earnestly praying that Kansas be kept from winning the National Championship this year. Sorry Jayhawk fans. But hey, at least you won the SEC. I guess…

Marketing

by Phyllis

I will admit I know very little about marketing. I wouldn't know what steps to take to make my ad or commercial more effective, reach more people, motivate them to buy. I don't even understand most of the ads I come across.

Take this one for example. I promise you the next sale they make based on that picture will be their first.

And have you heard the Head & Shoulders ads on the radio? On 1350AM I hear the same one all the time. It isn't really telling you to use Head & Shoulders to help with your dandruff. Maybe they figure they have got that part taken care of already. (MLB makes me use it [or a more suitably priced knock-off].) No, it tells you after a week you will have noticeably thicker hair. And then the disclaimer at the end clears things up: it promises these results with their product vs. unwashed hair. I have bad news for them: so much oil would be on my head after seven days, you wouldn't be able to tell that I have hair. And those of you who know me know of my ample lettuce

Then there's this ad from Capital Educators Federal Credit Union. Look at that dunce! I have it from several sources that this guy reminds them of a mutual acquaintance they all have, a person they all esteem to be one of the ugliest people they have ever known. You're not going to get a lot of business putting a picture of a guy like that up there.

Come on!