Something happened when I watched Sense and Sensibility. I mentioned this. Something changed inside me. I felt something I had not felt before. Sounds like a cliche, but I believe it.
I have not been a person to share my feelings freely, and when I do, there is some misleading going on. I put on a front, act a part. It is ever-present in my dealings with other people. Ok, yes, I know, same with everyone. Fine. But I don't like people. I don't have close friends. I don't bond. I don't. Ask anyone. Seriously. You'll not find a person on the earth who will say, "Oh, yeah, Phyllis? Good, close friend of mine." No one feels that way about me and that's fine. I don't feel that way back.
It is probably because I don't feel like someone could know me, know all about me, I mean ALL, and still think, oh yeah, totally still want to be his friend. Sure, I hear it all the time from the same sources one would expect about how great I am and I shouldn't think that way about myself, blah blah blah. Every person knows themself the best. So they can be their own worst critic. Typical human failing. So some people are able to overcome it? Perfect. Congratulations.
Maybe it's because I was a crybaby when I was a kid, wearing my emotions on my teenage sleeve for the world to see. Really embarrassing. Shameful stuff. So I taught myself NOT to feel. Or at least worked hard to conceal it. So there you go.
No. This is not a pity party or anything like that. I will make a point. Right now:
When I watched Sense and Sensibility something happened. And it happens every time (just watched it a couple weeks ago) or when I read a favorite novel. I feel something. I love. AND I admit it. Pretty silly thing for me to make a big deal about loving it, huh? I know, but that's it. That tells you how strongly I feel about it and how attached to it I have become. It is now part of my identity, part of ME. I can't remove it. I don't try. I want it to be true about me. I take pride in it.
It confuses people I will admit (if some strange series of events ever leads me to tell anyone about it), as most people will step back and do a double-take. "You? Really? That doesn't sound like you." I know.
But get used to it.
3 comments:
That is a failing indeed, but I cannot laugh at it.
I say no one can know anyone. Hard enough to really know yourself. What I know of you, I love. So there.
I think I need to see this movie. I think this post is cool.
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