by Phyllis
Quite some time ago, I wrote a series of posts about a series of visits to a doctor. Yes, the good Dr. Bester. You will want to start at the beginning of the story for one of two reasons: 1) You were riveted when you read them the first time and you can't wait to read them again; 2) You haven't read them and want to read something incredibly clever, interesting, and wrote good.
Have fun. Really.
But I was thinking about this the other day. I mentioned to someone that my ear hurt and that person offered the opinion I might have an ear infection. I said I doubted it. And then I thought about Dr. Bester.
Remember in part 5, how he twice tested my ability to stay conscious? And how I wondered why he would do such a thing, would subject me to that without warning or drugs or anything? I just figured out why. As you recall from part 1, he was quite astonished I was not complaining of pain when I went to see him the first time. Evidently more astonished than I had ever really imagined until the other day when I came to the realization he equates stent removal pain with ear infection pain.
Nothing ground-breaking, I know. But worth noting, I suppose.
In any case, stay tuned for a series of posts (I think I could get through it all in 15-20 of 'em) about my recent colonoscopy.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
My Dad
As I begin this post, it is 5 minutes to 12 midnight on the 13th of January. So it is still 8 years to the day my dad passed away. And something weird happened a minute ago: as I read my baby sister's simple post on her blog, I began to comprehend a concept I may not have before: Denial.
Because I sat there staring at his picture, his suit coat, white shirt and tie (a common outfit for him), his happy grin, those slightly crooked teeth (thanks a lot, Dad!), that thick forest of hair (compared to me, anyway), that nose, those glasses--all of it--and I COULD NOT believe he was gone. It WAS NOT true. At that moment, I would not have been surprised to see him walk through the door. As he silently squinted back at me from my computer screen, I was convinced he could not be dead. I remember too much about him, and it is all too vivid, and present, and real, that for me to realize again he passed away took great effort.
My dad was great. That may have been said a billion times by a billion people, but it makes it no less true in my case. My dad was the greatest man I have known. An example to me of hard work, patience, kindness, diligence, politeness, forgiveness, perseverance, and selfless service.
Farewell, dear Father, shall we meet again?
Please know I hold you as the best of men,
Whose noble life I aim to imitate,
Though I may fail to mimic one so great.
Because I sat there staring at his picture, his suit coat, white shirt and tie (a common outfit for him), his happy grin, those slightly crooked teeth (thanks a lot, Dad!), that thick forest of hair (compared to me, anyway), that nose, those glasses--all of it--and I COULD NOT believe he was gone. It WAS NOT true. At that moment, I would not have been surprised to see him walk through the door. As he silently squinted back at me from my computer screen, I was convinced he could not be dead. I remember too much about him, and it is all too vivid, and present, and real, that for me to realize again he passed away took great effort.
My dad was great. That may have been said a billion times by a billion people, but it makes it no less true in my case. My dad was the greatest man I have known. An example to me of hard work, patience, kindness, diligence, politeness, forgiveness, perseverance, and selfless service.
Farewell, dear Father, shall we meet again?
Please know I hold you as the best of men,
Whose noble life I aim to imitate,
Though I may fail to mimic one so great.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Maybe I Should Write Something
by Phyllis
It was pointed out to me a lot of what I have to say is negative. So I will try to keep my posts a little more upbeat from now one. Starting with this one:
---Is there a person in he right mind on this planet rooting for Brett Favre? Do you even like him if you are a long-time Vikings fan? Terrible. Dreadful. And not worth any more of my time. Go back to your tractors and Wranglers.
---The Yankees are out of the playoffs? Shame. And now bars and businesses will lose hundreds of thousands of dollars? Wrong. They won't lose it. They just don't get it. And who cares? It's New York.
---LeBron James thinks people should stop being angry he signed with the Heat? Now listen, King, as I am a supporter of yours. I like to see a guy do freaky things on the basketball floor so I have followed you in years past. It isn't that you signed with the Heat. It's how you did it and how you got together with your buddies D-Wade and Bosh and set it all up, like those bastards in the sixth grade who stacked the football teams during lunch recess. No one likes that. No one.
---Craig James, would you please give me your opinion of Boise State football? I really want to hear it. I am sure you have some fresh perspective no one has shared yet. So, please explain how BSU would do if they were in another conference. And tell me what chocolate would taste like if it tasted like something else. And one last thing: I had to go to bed early that night, so please recap the last 3 or 4 minutes of the 1980 Holiday Bowl. Thanks, pal.
It was pointed out to me a lot of what I have to say is negative. So I will try to keep my posts a little more upbeat from now one. Starting with this one:
---Is there a person in he right mind on this planet rooting for Brett Favre? Do you even like him if you are a long-time Vikings fan? Terrible. Dreadful. And not worth any more of my time. Go back to your tractors and Wranglers.
---The Yankees are out of the playoffs? Shame. And now bars and businesses will lose hundreds of thousands of dollars? Wrong. They won't lose it. They just don't get it. And who cares? It's New York.
---LeBron James thinks people should stop being angry he signed with the Heat? Now listen, King, as I am a supporter of yours. I like to see a guy do freaky things on the basketball floor so I have followed you in years past. It isn't that you signed with the Heat. It's how you did it and how you got together with your buddies D-Wade and Bosh and set it all up, like those bastards in the sixth grade who stacked the football teams during lunch recess. No one likes that. No one.
---Craig James, would you please give me your opinion of Boise State football? I really want to hear it. I am sure you have some fresh perspective no one has shared yet. So, please explain how BSU would do if they were in another conference. And tell me what chocolate would taste like if it tasted like something else. And one last thing: I had to go to bed early that night, so please recap the last 3 or 4 minutes of the 1980 Holiday Bowl. Thanks, pal.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Looking for a Positive Spin
by Koozown
I’m guessing the typical Spin Class Instructor doesn’t like it very much when people join their class and put earbuds in and listen to their own music. In fact, I know one instructor who has threatened to throw such a person out of her class. Me? I am willing to take that risk. You see, I believe what Simon Cowell said the other night on Idol to be true (I’ll paraphrase the British sweetheart): “The world would be a very boring place if we all liked the same things.” And I hate the music spin instructors play.
In general I am opposed to Movie Soundtrack songs. That is a general rule for me. And in today’s iTunes world where I can buy a single song that I like without buying the whole album, I hope to never own another entire soundtrack. And it wouldn’t break my heart if others borrowed a page out of that book. Show some discernment people. One way or another. Example: I bought “Decode” by Paramore. Probably my favorite song by them. Ok, it is my favorite. It was released as part of the Twilight soundtrack. I have not seen that movie. I have not read any of the books in that series. I don’t plan to read any books in that series. But that song is killer. So I own it. But I don’t own any other songs from that soundtrack (ok, not entirely true, I do own the other Paramore song on it). I don’t expect everyone to like or own that song. I don’t care. I love it. I’ve been known to bliss out to it. And that Hayley got pipes. But I might hit the floor if I ever heard it in Spin Class. Instead we hear the theme song from that School of Rock movie. In what bizarre world is that even considered a song? It’s not a song; it’s a movie gimmick. Not a very good gimmick at that. But I’ve heard it two weeks in a row now.
That is precisely why I come prepared with my own tunes and my own earphones. I can enjoy “Hallie and Henry” by Say Hi to Your Mom while the rest of the poor saps spin through some dull number from the dull “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” soundtrack. Oh, I’m sorry. You liked that movie? I hated it. But I hated the experience worse. Some genius behind me in the theater kept yacking along impressing his date by pointing out all the veneer-thin references to The Odyssey. It finally got so bad I turned around and said: “Excuse me professor, would you mind waiting until after the movie is over to begin your lecture? Some of us are still trying to find a single redeeming bullet point about this miserable flop.” He was speechless at last, and a few people booed me. Hmmm…[self reflection] it appears I have never gotten past that episode.
While having to hear that soundtrack play on as the class ended and we pretended to clean our bikes might seem like the low point of my day, it actually gets worse. After class the instructor shared a moment with one of the spinners:
Spinner: I love this song.
Instructor: Oh, yeah. It’s great. The whole soundtrack is great.
S: I loved that movie.
I: Me too. Would you like me to burn it for you?
S: No thanks, I own the movie. I love the Coen brothers.
I: I meant the soundtrack. Would you like me to burn it for you?
S: What’s funny is my brother doesn’t own it and he loves the Coen brothers.
I: Well I can burn you a copy for him.
S: No thanks, I can just lend him my DVD.
I: I meant the Soundtrack.
I make a subtle move to crank up the volume on my iPod as high as it will go. Ahhh, bliss.
I’m guessing the typical Spin Class Instructor doesn’t like it very much when people join their class and put earbuds in and listen to their own music. In fact, I know one instructor who has threatened to throw such a person out of her class. Me? I am willing to take that risk. You see, I believe what Simon Cowell said the other night on Idol to be true (I’ll paraphrase the British sweetheart): “The world would be a very boring place if we all liked the same things.” And I hate the music spin instructors play.
In general I am opposed to Movie Soundtrack songs. That is a general rule for me. And in today’s iTunes world where I can buy a single song that I like without buying the whole album, I hope to never own another entire soundtrack. And it wouldn’t break my heart if others borrowed a page out of that book. Show some discernment people. One way or another. Example: I bought “Decode” by Paramore. Probably my favorite song by them. Ok, it is my favorite. It was released as part of the Twilight soundtrack. I have not seen that movie. I have not read any of the books in that series. I don’t plan to read any books in that series. But that song is killer. So I own it. But I don’t own any other songs from that soundtrack (ok, not entirely true, I do own the other Paramore song on it). I don’t expect everyone to like or own that song. I don’t care. I love it. I’ve been known to bliss out to it. And that Hayley got pipes. But I might hit the floor if I ever heard it in Spin Class. Instead we hear the theme song from that School of Rock movie. In what bizarre world is that even considered a song? It’s not a song; it’s a movie gimmick. Not a very good gimmick at that. But I’ve heard it two weeks in a row now.
That is precisely why I come prepared with my own tunes and my own earphones. I can enjoy “Hallie and Henry” by Say Hi to Your Mom while the rest of the poor saps spin through some dull number from the dull “O Brother, Where Art Thou?” soundtrack. Oh, I’m sorry. You liked that movie? I hated it. But I hated the experience worse. Some genius behind me in the theater kept yacking along impressing his date by pointing out all the veneer-thin references to The Odyssey. It finally got so bad I turned around and said: “Excuse me professor, would you mind waiting until after the movie is over to begin your lecture? Some of us are still trying to find a single redeeming bullet point about this miserable flop.” He was speechless at last, and a few people booed me. Hmmm…[self reflection] it appears I have never gotten past that episode.
While having to hear that soundtrack play on as the class ended and we pretended to clean our bikes might seem like the low point of my day, it actually gets worse. After class the instructor shared a moment with one of the spinners:
Spinner: I love this song.
Instructor: Oh, yeah. It’s great. The whole soundtrack is great.
S: I loved that movie.
I: Me too. Would you like me to burn it for you?
S: No thanks, I own the movie. I love the Coen brothers.
I: I meant the soundtrack. Would you like me to burn it for you?
S: What’s funny is my brother doesn’t own it and he loves the Coen brothers.
I: Well I can burn you a copy for him.
S: No thanks, I can just lend him my DVD.
I: I meant the Soundtrack.
I make a subtle move to crank up the volume on my iPod as high as it will go. Ahhh, bliss.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Some Open Memos Necessitated by Today’s Visit to the Gym
by Koozown
Memorandum #1:
Dear sir watching TV and pedaling away on the recumbent bike,
I couldn’t help but notice that the headphones you were wearing were held together only by a thick strapping of scotch tape. Might I recommend something a bit tougher? Like Duct Tape?
On second thought, a new pair might be in order. Nobody really wears the over-the-head type of headphones any more (unless they on plane or they a pro afflete gettin’ off the bus for a road game). The kids are all wearing the buds that fit nicely in the ear and don’t fall out when you get your stack or cardio on. I’ve done a little research on earbuds in the past so I can speak with some authority on this point. You can get a brand new pair of earbuds at Walmart (yep, you look like you shop there) for a mere $4.88. And I’m sure they sound fine; no doubt better than the taped-up jobbies you’re rockin’. And if you feel like splurging, Walmart.com offers some sick noise-isolating earbuds for $486.82. Probably somewhere in between those two numbers will have you loving your Days of Our Lives episodes without the waste of all that clear scotch tape.
p.s. you can get six replacement rolls of transparent scotch tape at the dollar store for $1.
Memorandum #2
Dear sir,
I watched you strolling on the treadmill for a few minutes. It appeared to me that you were in some kind of pain or physical difficulty. Now I’m sure that growing up in Wilder you wore those cowboy boots everywhere you went: school, church, shopping, turdknocking, and so forth. But it is my firm opinion that you might hurt a lot less if you changed into some sneakers before getting up on the treadmill. And maybe some gym shorts instead of Wranglers? Just a thought. And before you come back to me and tell me you can’t afford sneakers or some such unlikely story, please understand I saw you exiting the facility today as well. You looked quite dapper in that gray derby, tweed sport jacket with chocolate brown elbow patches, different Wranglers, different cowboy boots, and your hickory walking stick.
Time to embrace the fact that you are a gym rat and spring for some Under Armour and Skechers Shape-Ups.
Memorandum #3
Dear sir,
What you are wearing is not a suitable workout costume. It is insulated long underwear, matching long-sleeve shirt and pants. I can tell by the huge overlapped fly in front. It just ain’t right. I’ve seen you in that same get-up four or five times now. Enough is enough. Please don’t let it happen again.
And here’s a newsflash: that young lady you are coaching through her stacks? She doesn’t love you. She might not even like you. How do I know? Because she obviously hasn’t told you how ridiculous you look.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Guest Post
by Koozown
Reason #87 to never forget your earbuds when going to the gym
Today was Mommy’s Day Out at our local gym. For a mere $10, Mommy drops Princess Angel off and leaves for three hours of freedom. It’s a pretty good deal (on top of the $90 we already pay every month) and Princess Angel loves it. Today she got to go for a nature walk to gather seeds, she made a Leprechaun hat with an orange beard, she powered through her Banana Monkey Milk, and generally had a ball. And today, since Mommy’s freedom was centered around getting a new hairdo, Princess Angel pickup duty fell to Daddy the Dragon Slayer.
Due primarily to poor planning I arrived at the gym nearly a half an hour early; just enough time to swell my core before my daughter finished her craft project. However, since I hadn’t planned on stacking my abdominals, I didn’t have my iPod or my earbuds. And that is where this lesson begins.
Actually it begins on the stretching/core workout mats in the Northeast corner. So far I’m doing just fine blocking out the terrible music blaring over the PA. You know the kind of music that everybody knows the lyrics and tune to, but everyone secretly hates but still gets played all the time? Instinctively I reached down to turn up the iPod volume. Alas, no iPod. And so it was that at that moment I realized I was overhearing a conversation I would much rather not have to hear. And thinking back on it, I can’t even believe it could actually take place.
Stretching on the mats are two large male stackers who are both yoked to the besheesh. I see them getting swollen frequently; throwing up huge numbers on bench presses of all angles. Mad props to them and their puffy chests. But that is where it all goes haywire.
Here is what ensued:
Stacker 1: I was watching that Kansas team play the other night. They were playing Mississippi in the SEC tournament. Man they got a couple bruthas that just take it and dunk it in your face. Really aggressive. I picked them in my bracket.
Stacker 2: Is this week the Final Four?
S1: No, but the tournament starts this week.
S2: So there’s 2 rounds before the Final Four?
S1: No, there’s 3.
S2: Oh, that’s right. There’s the Elite Eight and all that.
S1: Well it starts with 64 teams and goes down from there.
S2: That’s right. And then the Sweet Sixteen.
S1: Well, first it goes to 32, then 16.
S2: But there’s 64 to start. Then 32.
S1: Then 16, 8, 4, then 2.
S2: Then a winner.
S1: Right.
I must’ve looked a bit odd down on my knees in the middle of the weight room earnestly praying that Kansas be kept from winning the National Championship this year. Sorry Jayhawk fans. But hey, at least you won the SEC. I guess…
Reason #87 to never forget your earbuds when going to the gym
Today was Mommy’s Day Out at our local gym. For a mere $10, Mommy drops Princess Angel off and leaves for three hours of freedom. It’s a pretty good deal (on top of the $90 we already pay every month) and Princess Angel loves it. Today she got to go for a nature walk to gather seeds, she made a Leprechaun hat with an orange beard, she powered through her Banana Monkey Milk, and generally had a ball. And today, since Mommy’s freedom was centered around getting a new hairdo, Princess Angel pickup duty fell to Daddy the Dragon Slayer.
Due primarily to poor planning I arrived at the gym nearly a half an hour early; just enough time to swell my core before my daughter finished her craft project. However, since I hadn’t planned on stacking my abdominals, I didn’t have my iPod or my earbuds. And that is where this lesson begins.
Actually it begins on the stretching/core workout mats in the Northeast corner. So far I’m doing just fine blocking out the terrible music blaring over the PA. You know the kind of music that everybody knows the lyrics and tune to, but everyone secretly hates but still gets played all the time? Instinctively I reached down to turn up the iPod volume. Alas, no iPod. And so it was that at that moment I realized I was overhearing a conversation I would much rather not have to hear. And thinking back on it, I can’t even believe it could actually take place.
Stretching on the mats are two large male stackers who are both yoked to the besheesh. I see them getting swollen frequently; throwing up huge numbers on bench presses of all angles. Mad props to them and their puffy chests. But that is where it all goes haywire.
Here is what ensued:
Stacker 1: I was watching that Kansas team play the other night. They were playing Mississippi in the SEC tournament. Man they got a couple bruthas that just take it and dunk it in your face. Really aggressive. I picked them in my bracket.
Stacker 2: Is this week the Final Four?
S1: No, but the tournament starts this week.
S2: So there’s 2 rounds before the Final Four?
S1: No, there’s 3.
S2: Oh, that’s right. There’s the Elite Eight and all that.
S1: Well it starts with 64 teams and goes down from there.
S2: That’s right. And then the Sweet Sixteen.
S1: Well, first it goes to 32, then 16.
S2: But there’s 64 to start. Then 32.
S1: Then 16, 8, 4, then 2.
S2: Then a winner.
S1: Right.
I must’ve looked a bit odd down on my knees in the middle of the weight room earnestly praying that Kansas be kept from winning the National Championship this year. Sorry Jayhawk fans. But hey, at least you won the SEC. I guess…
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Marketing
by Phyllis
I will admit I know very little about marketing. I wouldn't know what steps to take to make my ad or commercial more effective, reach more people, motivate them to buy. I don't even understand most of the ads I come across.
Take this one for example. I promise you the next sale they make based on that picture will be their first.
And have you heard the Head & Shoulders ads on the radio? On 1350AM I hear the same one all the time. It isn't really telling you to use Head & Shoulders to help with your dandruff. Maybe they figure they have got that part taken care of already. (MLB makes me use it [or a more suitably priced knock-off].) No, it tells you after a week you will have noticeably thicker hair. And then the disclaimer at the end clears things up: it promises these results with their product vs. unwashed hair. I have bad news for them: so much oil would be on my head after seven days, you wouldn't be able to tell that I have hair. And those of you who know me know of my ample lettuce
Then there's this ad from Capital Educators Federal Credit Union. Look at that dunce! I have it from several sources that this guy reminds them of a mutual acquaintance they all have, a person they all esteem to be one of the ugliest people they have ever known. You're not going to get a lot of business putting a picture of a guy like that up there.
Come on!
I will admit I know very little about marketing. I wouldn't know what steps to take to make my ad or commercial more effective, reach more people, motivate them to buy. I don't even understand most of the ads I come across.
Take this one for example. I promise you the next sale they make based on that picture will be their first.
And have you heard the Head & Shoulders ads on the radio? On 1350AM I hear the same one all the time. It isn't really telling you to use Head & Shoulders to help with your dandruff. Maybe they figure they have got that part taken care of already. (MLB makes me use it [or a more suitably priced knock-off].) No, it tells you after a week you will have noticeably thicker hair. And then the disclaimer at the end clears things up: it promises these results with their product vs. unwashed hair. I have bad news for them: so much oil would be on my head after seven days, you wouldn't be able to tell that I have hair. And those of you who know me know of my ample lettuce
Then there's this ad from Capital Educators Federal Credit Union. Look at that dunce! I have it from several sources that this guy reminds them of a mutual acquaintance they all have, a person they all esteem to be one of the ugliest people they have ever known. You're not going to get a lot of business putting a picture of a guy like that up there.
Come on!
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