Ben Walrus

Did you watch game 7 of the Boston-Cleveland series? I did. I was rooting for the Cavaliers on account of I am a LeBron James fan. Plus I have hated the Celtics ever since the Bird/McHale/Parrish/Walton/Sichting/Johnson days. Always liked Danny Ainge, though. And Greg Kite. What a stud he was.

Anyway, I think I like LeBron because he has flaws, notwithstanding him being a freak of nature and all: He struggles with the outside shot (I guess you could call him LeBron Ames, 'cause he ain't got no "J."), and is less than stellar at the free throw line. But when a guy scores as much as he does when the other team is paying ALL its attention to him, I find it impressive. Seriously, Cleveland could have been playing with two guys on offense. The other guys sets a screen for James (which the Celtics help on, switch, or quickly recover), and then gets out of the way. My favorite play is when the guy setting the screen is Ben Wallace.

Ben Wallace. Are you familiar with this guy? He developed quite a reputation over the last several years for being a great defender and rebounder. He got huge money when he left the Detroit Pistons (where he made nearly 35 million in six years) to sign with the Chicago Bulls before the 2006-2007 season. He made 16 million in his first season with the Bulls, and 15.5 million his second season, during which he was traded to the Cavaliers to help them compete for a championship--you know, with his great defense and rebounding and whatnot.

So here is why I am sure I will never be qualified to run a professional sports team: you don't pay that kind of money to a guy who "defends and rebounds" when he can't score. And I make a distinction here between can't score and doesn't score. There are teams who have a big guy who plays 'D' and hits the boards and doesn't score a lot--doesn't need to. This is because there are other scorers on his team; no plays are run for him, but he can make a shot if he needs to. But not Ben Wallace. He can't score. Can't. If it isn't a dunk, it is not going in for him. I guarantee that if there was a wall four feet out from the basket that he could not pass in order to attempt a shot, his scoring average would decrease four-fold.

What is Ben Wallace's career scoring average, anyway? Six-point-five points per game! Yes, you can count on Ben for three buckets every night. Except, wait, some of those points come from the free throw line. Some. Because while Big Ben was in Detroit making a name for himself as an important big man in the league, he was becoming popular for something else: he is THE WORST FREE THROW SHOOTER IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME. Career average: less than 42%. Here is another guarantee for you: I could shoot a better percentage at the line than that with my eyes closed. And I am not talking about getting to the line, receiving the ball, dribbling a couple times, eyeing the rim, and closing my eyes to shoot. Put me at the line, give me the ball, and then blindfold me. I will shoot a hundred foul shots that way, and will make 42 at least.

So if I were LeBron James, I would be pissed. I would be in management's office this morning saying, "I want you to keep Delonte West, Daniel Gibson, and Joe Smith. Get rid of everyone else. Even that guy with all the S's, Z's, and C's in his name. I want to play five-on-five next year."