Rules

by Phyllis

I made these up:

Don't open the front door without looking out of the windows (we have no peephole) to see who it is. I love to follow it. And although I try to be discreet when I look, you know, so the knocker or ringer doesn't see me, it doesn't deter me from following another rule I made if they do:

Don't answer the front door if you don't recognize the person. So, yes, I have looked straight in the eyes of a stranger knocking on my door and then turned and left without answering. It is my house, I say, so I answer the door if I feel like it. If you are a stranger and are offended that I didn't answer the door when it was clear I was at home (we did share a meaningful glance, after all), please don't knock on my door. Or get to know me first. But I don't know how you are going to do that.

Another rule related to answering the door (which I had to create one day when a friend of MLB called and said she would be right over so when the doorbell rang minutes later I opened it without looking first): Don't buy anything that is sold door to door. So, no, I don't have a 'no soliciting' sign on the door. I hate solicitors but I simply say (sometimes after they have made their nice little pitch), "I'm sorry, I don't buy anything that is sold door to door. You know, it's just a rule I have." They don't often get it, but I have found that if you repeat the phrase up to seven times, they get the hint.

I will admit that the number of telemarketing calls I get has gone down over the past few years. But when they sneak through I use a strikingly similar rule to the last one I mentioned: Don't buy anything (or contribute to anything [or agree to anything]) that is offered over the phone. And use the same repeating techniques if necessary.

Another rule: Do not give your business to someone who has misspelled a word or used incorrect grammar in a flyer or coupon or something. Or if they just said something that annoyed you, marginally qualified grammar and spelling snob that you are. For example, I don't need to refinance my home loan, but rest assured when I do I will not be using the company whose commercial on the radio claimed they would "shoot straight from the hip" with me. They used this phrase to compare themselves to some of the other local lenders who might not be totally honest with me. So while I would indeed like my lender to "shoot straight" with me, I struggle with the connotation of "shooting straight from the hip." I infer it means you will be honest with me, but will do it quickly without considering the possible effects. And honestly, Clearwater Mortgage, I don't know if that will serve our best interests. And please take the food out of your mouth while you read the commercial.

Because I follow the previous rule, I will not use Lifelock to make sure my identity is safe. You see, their radio ad tells me that "At Lifelock, we work to prevent identity theft BEFORE it happens." (And, yes, the emphasis is theirs.) You work to prevent identity theft before it happens, eh? You mean you won't prevent it if my identity has already been stolen? Fine then. Forget you. You should have known the rules before you made your commercial.