Some Open Memos Necessitated by Today’s Visit to the Gym

by Koozown

Memorandum #1:
Dear sir watching TV and pedaling away on the recumbent bike,
I couldn’t help but notice that the headphones you were wearing were held together only by a thick strapping of scotch tape. Might I recommend something a bit tougher? Like Duct Tape?
On second thought, a new pair might be in order. Nobody really wears the over-the-head type of headphones any more (unless they on plane or they a pro afflete gettin’ off the bus for a road game). The kids are all wearing the buds that fit nicely in the ear and don’t fall out when you get your stack or cardio on. I’ve done a little research on earbuds in the past so I can speak with some authority on this point. You can get a brand new pair of earbuds at Walmart (yep, you look like you shop there) for a mere $4.88. And I’m sure they sound fine; no doubt better than the taped-up jobbies you’re rockin’. And if you feel like splurging, Walmart.com offers some sick noise-isolating earbuds for $486.82. Probably somewhere in between those two numbers will have you loving your Days of Our Lives episodes without the waste of all that clear scotch tape.
p.s. you can get six replacement rolls of transparent scotch tape at the dollar store for $1.

Memorandum #2
Dear sir,
I watched you strolling on the treadmill for a few minutes. It appeared to me that you were in some kind of pain or physical difficulty. Now I’m sure that growing up in Wilder you wore those cowboy boots everywhere you went: school, church, shopping, turdknocking, and so forth. But it is my firm opinion that you might hurt a lot less if you changed into some sneakers before getting up on the treadmill. And maybe some gym shorts instead of Wranglers? Just a thought. And before you come back to me and tell me you can’t afford sneakers or some such unlikely story, please understand I saw you exiting the facility today as well. You looked quite dapper in that gray derby, tweed sport jacket with chocolate brown elbow patches, different Wranglers, different cowboy boots, and your hickory walking stick.
Time to embrace the fact that you are a gym rat and spring for some Under Armour and Skechers Shape-Ups.

Memorandum #3
Dear sir,
What you are wearing is not a suitable workout costume. It is insulated long underwear, matching long-sleeve shirt and pants. I can tell by the huge overlapped fly in front. It just ain’t right. I’ve seen you in that same get-up four or five times now. Enough is enough. Please don’t let it happen again.
And here’s a newsflash: that young lady you are coaching through her stacks? She doesn’t love you. She might not even like you. How do I know? Because she obviously hasn’t told you how ridiculous you look.